berkali-kali aku menarik nafas panjang dan mengeluarkannya.. sngguh betapa berat beban fikiran ku ini.. aku takut sakit,tapi benar-benar tak ada penyelesaian dari semua ini.. begitu beratnya.. begit sulitnya..
aku tak pandai bersyukur,mungkin karena ini hidupku rasanya sulit sekali..
ak ingin menangis,ingin sekali menangis.. ingin aku lepas dari beban ini.. sungguh aku tak kuat menjalaninya..
aku kuliah di salah satu perguruan tinggi daerah.. tak nyaman sekali rasanya,mungkin karena pada awalnya aku tak ingin masuk di perguruan tinggi ini.. prestasiku sangat merosot.. jika di bandingkan dengan masa smp sudah sangat jauh sekali.. dengan sma pun rasanya sangat merosot..
dulu, waktu saya di SMA, meski saya tak masuk 10 besar, tapi saya rajin belajar dan nilai saya cukup baik,, beda dengan sekarang bahkan hari ini.. saya benar-benar lemah,jarang belajar padahal orangtua saya berharap banyak pada saya tapi aku tak bisa berikan apapn untuk mereka.. hal yang saya alami saat ini sungguh mengganggu fikiran saya..
saya memiliki seorang kekasih saat ini,saya sayang dia,saya ingin bahagiakan dia,saya tak ingin kehilangan dia.. tapi ketakutan menyerbu,saya takut dia tak bahagia bersama saya, saya takt dia mal memiliki kekasih seperti saya.. saya tak pnya apapn tuk di banggakan,, lahir dari keluarga sederhana yang ters bersaha meneruskan hidp,saya tak pnya harta melimpah,untuk sekolah pun mereka keda orangta saya bekerja begit kerasnya,fisik saya,saya bukan gadis tinggi,berkulit putih,cantik dengan pernak pernik yang indah.. saya aelalu takut ia malu memiliki gadis seperti saya.. andai dulu kita tak bertemu mungkin saya,hati saya takkan sesulit ini..
saya juga sesalkan sesuatu,saya telah sakiti mantan saya,padahal dia begitu baiknya pada saya tapi saya kecewakan ia.. saya putuskan ia,karena saya fikir lebih baik saya konsen terlebih dahlu pada kuliah saya,dan semoga saya bisa sukses dikemidian hari.. tapi sebulan lewat,orang yang dulu pernah hadir di hati ini,dia datang.. dia masih berharap sama saya walau kita tak pernah bertemu dan wala hanya sebatas di dnia maya,awalnya saya fikir dia akan kecewa setelah bertemu dengan saya dan takkan hubungi saya lagi tapi dia berkata lain,dia mau terima saya apa adanya dan dia adalah kekasik saya sekarang.. inilah salah saya,tak pernah tegas hadapi apapn, tak pernah tegas pada keptusan saya, di saat saya putuskan kekasih saya demi kliah,saya terima oranglain lagi yang sekarang saya sayangi,inilah yang membuat mantan saya menderita..
akhirnya kehidupan saya begini,benar-benar kebahagiaan yang saya kejar sejak dulu kini tak dapat ketenangan sedikitpun.. tak tenang.. saya malu jadi diri saya sendiri dan saya selal ingin jadi orang lain.. oh tuhan,betapa hancrnya kehidupan saya sekarang.. kebahagiaan dunia tak saya dapat,, akhiratpun tak saya kejar sungguh-sngguh..
ya allah.mohon bantu hamba keluar dari beban fikiran ini,, bantu hambantuk selalu tetap berpijak pada jalan yang engkau ridhai.. hamba mohon..
amilei's diary
masa lalu adalah masa terindah untuk di kenang
I Believe I can find u
“I believe I can find u”
My name is Pram Aditia , and my friend always call me Pram. I’m twenty years old . I live with my family in Sumedang .But now, I work in Jakarta. I’m a chef in a hotel at Jakarta.
My work makes me tired. I work full time. I have not holiday in my work . I go to work from 10 am until 10 pm everyday. Even on Sunday,I have to go to work too. Beside that , I have to keep my habit with beer . Oh my God … please forgive me!! . but I can’t leave my job . because I need much money for my life .
I ‘m a adopted child in my family. When I know that, I was very sad. Because since I was child I only know that they are my family. My mother was died since I was born . and my father cannot take care me.
Because of getting busy for my job , I seldom go home. And in Jakarta I always feel lonely . One thing that makes me happy is a girl. She is my friend on mig, An application for chatting. she is a student, and now she is seventeen years old . her username is Ameli . she live in Sumedang too. when I got my work , I always do chat with her. I tell her about my life,about my family , and about my job. She always give me a spirit. And the most important is that she is always beside me.
One day , I decided to go home in Sumedang . because my father asked me to find another job in Sumedang. I was very happy for that. Because I think that a new job would give me a new life which more good . And the most important I would meet with her.
I didn’t find a time to tell her about it. But I just could update my status that I was way to go to my house in Sumedang.
After I arrived at Sumedang . Suddenly I got sick .My body temperature was high,and I felt suffered.
My parent took me to a Doctor . And the Doctor said that I got fever. Because of my disease I lost contact with her . After a week I couldn’t health again. So my father took me to the hospital. I stayed in hospital for a month. Because the doctor told me that I got Lung cancer. Oh my God..!!!
Since that moment , I never met with her anymore . I didn’t know her house , I just knew that she was from Sumedang. I waited her on mig but she never came . and my mistake I never asked her contact number. I was very sad. I only wanted to met with her although once.
After I felt health I decided to searched her. I went to her school and asked about her to her headmaster but her headmaster said that no name Ameli in his school. i asked to all of the student from her school , but no one said that she is Ameli. I searched more information about her to my friend on mig but no one knew about her. They knew about Ameli but they didn’t knew about her real life.
Now, after one year ago, I was still couldn’t find her . I always said “ I believe I can find u,Ameli” before I closed my eyes.
